The house has fallen rather quiet, the seconds tick past in an almost slow motion with the sound of the ticking clock filling the air. I find myself perched on the arm of my couch doubled over with a cramping stomach? or perhaps it’s my intestines that are causing me trouble. Either way it was as if somebody had reached inside of my digestive tract and just started squeezing with all of their might.
So there i was, tears pricking the back of my eyes and my body stiffening from pain. As I slowly crumpled further and further into myself I realise that this is all my fault, I couldn’t ask for sympathy, I brought it all on myself. As a single tear fell from my eye, rolling down my cheek and straight onto the sofa cushion, I contemplated whether it was all worth it.
I had never been on a diet before, never restricted myself of anything because why should I, I was always a healthy weight and pretty active in my life. I also had never realistically been addicted to anything, therefore never attempted to detox or go cold turkey from anything. I had lived a moderately healthy lifestyle and that allowed me to not have to think about things like the food that I was eating, but now that I was ill my life was the complete opposite.
A sip of water slid down my throat as the incessant clicking of the clock rang in my ears. I’d already fallen into a fetal position atop the couch, and my cheeks felt as if they were the deepest shade of red as my temperature insisted on fluctuating erratically.
So I’d fallen off the wagon, and I don’t mean I scoffed a chocolate bar and didn’t loose a pound this week, come on now weight is the least of my worries. By that I mean I ate a slice of bread or two! Yes a mere sandwich was causing all of this hassle.
Not so long ago I discovered that dairy and gluten was aggravating my ibs and causing all manner of symptoms (aggravated ibs creates a domino effect and flares up my M.E. also). Transitioning between a relatively healthy diet consisting of homemade pasta dishes, morning breakfast cereals, and bad day easy sandwiches or toast to a diet that is incredibly restricted and overly healthy has been incredibly hard. When you’re starving hungry at ten ‘o’ clock at night with no energy and you’re shaking from low blood sugar what on earth do you eat to make yourself feel better? A quick sandwich or piece of bread is so much easier than figuring out what is gluten and dairy free.
However, when this happens back on the couch I find myself. Having laid in the fetal position for a little while and distracted myself with a Netflix documentary, nothing like a little schadenfreude in times like this, I gradually rolled myself off of my cushioned prison and dragged myself to my feet. Stumbling onward I found my bed, a mass of pillows, and lost myself beneath the duvet. The past hour or so had not been pleasant, it certainly wasn’t the first time I’d experienced this but hopefully it would be one of the last. An optimistic thought ran through my head.
As my eyes finally fell heavy and that bread eventually stopped causing me bother (for now), I started to dream about meal plans and shopping lists. Things I clearly needed to get to doing in the immediate future.
Yours in spoons
Amber
Amber and M.E. 